Here's the first five chapters. I couldn't bring myself to post more; this thing is eighteen fucking chapters long, all of them filled to the brim with fresh, home-grown HORROR. They're all on the first two pages of the Zootopia Fanfic section, if anyone's really interested. And has a high tolerance for pain.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Olivia Graham.
Full Species(es): Human. Or possibly some surprisingly intelligent form of single-celled thing.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Believe it or not, I don't think she ever tells us, despite giving us a very detailed rundown of what she wears to dinner with Bono three chapters in. I guess we're just supposed to work it out on our own.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Ditto.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She spends pretty much the whole story with various incarnations of a "ripe red hickie" on her neck. Bono has some serious suction going on. Maybe he's a lamprey, or something. He also appears to have a vaguely creepy neck fetish.
Special Possessions (if any): "a picture of Bono a while after our first date" that she attaches to her comp monitor at work and stares at for several hours until her boss yells at her. Maybe he noticed the growing puddle of drool. Also, a promise that she makes to herself to not have sex with anyone unless she's known them for a month. To the day. This means that she and Bono spend a couple of chapters yearning to have, but never actually having, wild monkey-sex. Then a month goes by and they do. This apparently passes for tension.
Annoying Origin: She shares a cab with Bono. And he gets her number. And a heated, passionate relationship ensues, until Bono reveals that he's an evil android from the future and plunges his arm through her torso, spraying gore and shredded intestines everywhere.
No, sorry. Channeling my fantasies again. Kind of like THE AUTHOR.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Bono's NEW GIRLFRIEND!!11! EEEEE!!1 Apparently Ali has ceased to exist. Nice of her. Oh, how I wished for her to appear and lay the smack down on this bitch.
Annoying Special Abilities: She can make any member of U2 fall passionately in love with her, seeing as how Adam goes for her the moment he sees her, which creates ANGST!!1! YAY! Then there's grappling in a bedroom ("No, Adam! Don't!") and a lot of yelling, and there really isn't any reason to care in the slightest.
Other Annoying Traits: She EXISTS.
...Okay, I really have no idea where to start with this thing. It's just bad, bad, BAD, right from the mind-bogglingly stupid beginning, to the clichéd and pointless end. It isn't even really a "story" per se, because nothing HAPPENS. Bono meets her in a cab; they fall in love; they wait a month, during which Bono leaves on a trip and there's ANGST; the month goes by and they have lots of sex; Olivia meets Adam, who falls in love with her and kisses her, causing more ANGST. Bono gets mad and storms out, but then Adam apologizes and Bono forgives her, and presumably there's more sex.
So, yeah. There's no plot at ALL.
And it got great reviews, all around.
I just don't GET it.
I lay in Bono’s bed beside him after our evening, uh, activities. What had happened with Adam was still bothering me. Should I ask Bono? I thought. I decided to chance it.
“Adam… he seems like kind of an odd guy.”
“Yeah, he’s the weird member of the band.”
“Is he… okay?”
Bono turned to me. “Well, physically, yes, but we’re still waiting for the test results concerning how he is mentally,” he answered in mock seriousness.
“Very funny. You know what I meant.”
Bono paused to consider his answer. “Adam’s just an odd guy. Kind of the odd man out, sometimes. He’s a very private person, doesn’t tell us much.”
I nodded and turned onto my side, stroking Bono’s shoulder quietly.
“Why do you ask?” Bono added.
“Uh… nothing…” Smooth move, Olivia! I thought to myself angrily.
“What happened, love?” he asked, his voice becoming serious.
“Adam… kept staring at me,” I said, regretting the words the moment they left my mouth.
“WHAT?” Bono roared. “THAT FILTHY BASTARD!”
“B, calm down,” I said quietly. “For all I know he was looking at something behind me.”
“Like what, the wall?” he bellowed. “The dirty bastard… he’ll regret this all right…”
“You use that word too much,” I said.
“Oh well. I’m going to have to talk to him about this…”
“B, no, don’t…” I pleaded.
“It would be really, really uncomfortable and odd-sounding.”
“Oh, and it’s not odd that he’s been staring at my lover?”
“Ooh, I graduated from being your girlfriend to being your lover?” I asked teasingly.
“Yes,” said Bono, smiling momentarily, but then he returned to his angry state. “I just can’t believe he was doing that.” Bono grinned that boyish grin of his. “Oh, I get it. He’s just jealous because I’ve got the most beautiful girl on the whole damn planet.”