last night saw yet another "bono tribute concert" at hollywood’s kodak theater, much like the one which took place on valentine's day 2002. the evening’s festivities were introduced by a solemn-yet-pensive dustin hoffman who, w/cher by his side, stated, "i’ve been listening to bono for over 35 years now, since before I made the graduate. snow skiing is incredibly fun but also incredibly dangerous. please, contact yr local red cross for safety tips before you take on life’s moguls." & - in an unprecedented move, aol-time-warner & disney co-sponsored the event & it was simultaneously broadcast on both abc & cnn. said a network insider, "we’re doing this simply as a good will effort, not only for bono, but for the troops in iraq, too."
[see related link]:corporations_really_help_war!
above, bono attempts to cheer friend & fellow corporate rock god michael stipe moments after michael eisner awarded bono the much-coveted rock equivalent of mickey mouse award. [a separate, lesser rock equivalent of bugs bunny award was given to stipe by close celeb/scientologist pal tom cruise at a private ceremony in a warner brothers-rented ballroom in west hollywood.] bono, a bit misty upon receiving his crystal statuette, used the tail of his black silk "peasant" shirt to wipe the steam from his $750 custom sunglasses [which also help filter out recently-discovered harmful moon rays] & said, "well, mikey, we can't all be #1 on the bloody hit parade!" a good-natured stipe mock-hissed "fuck you, mac fisto!" in bono's direction, a gesture which drew a roar of laughter from the formally-attired, celebrity-engorged crowd. stipe later wowed the assemblage by appearing on stage in a pink muumuu & performing an unannounced duet w/ex-veteran punk poetess, carol channing. the duo gave a ragged-yet-so-right reading of channing’s punk rock anthem, "hello, dolly!" the song was done in tribute to the recently-deceased cloned sheep of the same name.
among the seemingly-endless glut of entertainment luminaries was britney spears, who later gushed: "bono is our pop god! plus, he's such a cool humanitarian!" also in attendance [w/an entire row at her disposal] was close bono pal & passionate rock fan, orca the killer whale. [oft-mentioned but notoriously camera-shy beau, shamu, was nowhere to be seen.] singer/accountant mick jagger & tommy hilfiger, fresh from inking yet another rolling stones concert tour endorsement, were also seen taking in the fame-riddled air. fellow designer sunglasses-enthusiast & ubiquitous famous person jack nicholson was also front & center, seated next to robin williams, thus proving once & for all that williams & bono are not one & the same. also on hand were fidel castro [w/long-time love, whoopi goldberg] & the pope, who is in town for a series of shows at the world famous comedy store. the balding pontiff marveled: "that bono...he’s one clever sonofabitch! the kid's finally made it! bigger than life!! & i always knew he would! fucking christ, he's bigger than jesus & the beatles put together!! of course, neither christ nor the beatles had the power of the internet behind them in their day, but, hey, fuck it! all's fair in love & war, ya know?"
"culture-jamming" innovators & former u2 nemesis, negativland, were also on hand to show their support for the vertically-challenged, legendary irish rock superstar. after years at each other's musical note-spewing throats, negativland have recently bitten the proverbial bullet & signed on w/u2's very own vanity imprint record label, money sells records. when asked to comment on the hard-to-fathom u2-negativland truce, negativland's mark hosler, w/wife cyndi lauper by his side, simply shrugged & stated: "it might be hard to fathom, but it really IS true: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! let’s face it. there’s no "w/or w/out you" about it! w/out the u2’s of the world, negativland wouldn’t have a career, you see! plus, quite frankly, i’m really beginning to believe that bono is the reincarnation of the savior!! maybe I oughta be shot point-blank in the stamper tonight!" in a pre-bono tribute press conference, mtv announced its plan to unveil mtv3, which will showcase videos & information exclusively related to u2, rem, & britney spears. unfortunately, long-standing rumors of u2 & rem joining forces in a mega rock merger [RUME2, all upper case] still appear resigned to the stuff of powerful rock & roll dreams. when questioned whether he may consider a run at the united states presidency, the ever-ironic bono declared, "i have quite enough going w/sainthood, being a chess champion, giving speeches at colleges & being the best rock star i can be to the people, don’t you think?" then, adding that sly smile & a quick wink, he noted, "but, never say never again!" whispering under his breath, he admitted, "i stole that last line from charles manson."
below, bono mesmerizes his followers w/his message of one love:
at the end of the night’s festivities, a triumphant bono flashed double v hand signals to the crowd & yelled into the microphone, "tonight was a night of power & import on par w/the grammys! thank you for celebrating me, but now let’s concentrate on celebrating the end of the war!"
the following are some candid moments [in descending fortune 500 "power rank" sequence] which reflect not only bono's immaculate taste in haute-couture eyewear, but also some truly one-on-one kodak moments w/fellow rock & roll rebels.