Red E. Made (bruxists) wrote in wrath_of_tawg,
Red E. Made

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we're won, but we're not the same


last night saw yet another "bono tribute concert" at hollywood’s kodak theater, much like the one which took place on valentine's day 2002. the evening’s festivities were introduced by a solemn-yet-pensive dustin hoffman who, w/cher by his side, stated, "i’ve been listening to bono for over 35 years now, since before I made the graduate. snow skiing is incredibly fun but also incredibly dangerous. please, contact yr local red cross for safety tips before you take on life’s moguls." & - in an unprecedented move, aol-time-warner & disney co-sponsored the event & it was simultaneously broadcast on both abc & cnn. said a network insider, "we’re doing this simply as a good will effort, not only for bono, but for the troops in iraq, too."
[see related link]:corporations_really_help_war!

above, bono attempts to cheer friend & fellow corporate rock god michael stipe moments after michael eisner awarded bono the much-coveted rock equivalent of mickey mouse award. [a separate, lesser rock equivalent of bugs bunny award was given to stipe by close celeb/scientologist pal tom cruise at a private ceremony in a warner brothers-rented ballroom in west hollywood.] bono, a bit misty upon receiving his crystal statuette, used the tail of his black silk "peasant" shirt to wipe the steam from his $750 custom sunglasses [which also help filter out recently-discovered harmful moon rays] & said, "well, mikey, we can't all be #1 on the bloody hit parade!" a good-natured stipe mock-hissed "fuck you, mac fisto!" in bono's direction, a gesture which drew a roar of laughter from the formally-attired, celebrity-engorged crowd. stipe later wowed the assemblage by appearing on stage in a pink muumuu & performing an unannounced duet w/ex-veteran punk poetess, carol channing. the duo gave a ragged-yet-so-right reading of channing’s punk rock anthem, "hello, dolly!" the song was done in tribute to the recently-deceased cloned sheep of the same name.

among the seemingly-endless glut of entertainment luminaries was britney spears, who later gushed: "bono is our pop god! plus, he's such a cool humanitarian!" also in attendance [w/an entire row at her disposal] was close bono pal & passionate rock fan, orca the killer whale. [oft-mentioned but notoriously camera-shy beau, shamu, was nowhere to be seen.] singer/accountant mick jagger & tommy hilfiger, fresh from inking yet another rolling stones concert tour endorsement, were also seen taking in the fame-riddled air. fellow designer sunglasses-enthusiast & ubiquitous famous person jack nicholson was also front & center, seated next to robin williams, thus proving once & for all that williams & bono are not one & the same. also on hand were fidel castro [w/long-time love, whoopi goldberg] & the pope, who is in town for a series of shows at the world famous comedy store. the balding pontiff marveled: "that bono...he’s one clever sonofabitch! the kid's finally made it! bigger than life!! & i always knew he would! fucking christ, he's bigger than jesus & the beatles put together!! of course, neither christ nor the beatles had the power of the internet behind them in their day, but, hey, fuck it! all's fair in love & war, ya know?"

"culture-jamming" innovators & former u2 nemesis, negativland, were also on hand to show their support for the vertically-challenged, legendary irish rock superstar. after years at each other's musical note-spewing throats, negativland have recently bitten the proverbial bullet & signed on w/u2's very own vanity imprint record label, money sells records. when asked to comment on the hard-to-fathom u2-negativland truce, negativland's mark hosler, w/wife cyndi lauper by his side, simply shrugged & stated: "it might be hard to fathom, but it really IS true: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! let’s face it. there’s no "w/or w/out you" about it! w/out the u2’s of the world, negativland wouldn’t have a career, you see! plus, quite frankly, i’m really beginning to believe that bono is the reincarnation of the savior!! maybe I oughta be shot point-blank in the stamper tonight!" in a pre-bono tribute press conference, mtv announced its plan to unveil mtv3, which will showcase videos & information exclusively related to u2, rem, & britney spears. unfortunately, long-standing rumors of u2 & rem joining forces in a mega rock merger [RUME2, all upper case] still appear resigned to the stuff of powerful rock & roll dreams. when questioned whether he may consider a run at the united states presidency, the ever-ironic bono declared, "i have quite enough going w/sainthood, being a chess champion, giving speeches at colleges & being the best rock star i can be to the people, don’t you think?" then, adding that sly smile & a quick wink, he noted, "but, never say never again!" whispering under his breath, he admitted, "i stole that last line from charles manson."

below, bono mesmerizes his followers w/his message of one love:

at the end of the night’s festivities, a triumphant bono flashed double v hand signals to the crowd & yelled into the microphone, "tonight was a night of power & import on par w/the grammys! thank you for celebrating me, but now let’s concentrate on celebrating the end of the war!"

the following are some candid moments [in descending fortune 500 "power rank" sequence] which reflect not only bono's immaculate taste in haute-couture eyewear, but also some truly one-on-one kodak moments w/fellow rock & roll rebels.






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